Crisis of Faith!

"I wrote the book for crying out loud!"  "I've been quoting and living by this stuff for 7 years now!"  I found myself drowning in a flood of emotion and my mind was running wild.  I had just reviewed the fee schedules posted on Medicaid and Medicare's websites and realized that there was a 30% pay cut for all of us healthcare providers.  This was right after one of my daughters told me that almost 100% of her promotion was negated by a tax increase.  And if that wasn't enough the AOL welcome screen's leading story was that Congress received a pay increase! 

Needless to say, I was not a happy camper!  I had good reason to be angry and so does the rest of America.  The prior week I had listened to all the political hullabaloo about how we were going to strengthen our healthcare, how tax increases would only effect those making $250,000 a year or more, and then find out that in spite of the so-called avoidance of the fiscal cliff on December 31st, none of it seemed to be true.

For the better part of a week my mind and emotions got the best of me.  But what could I do?  This was completely out of my control.  Over 95% of my psychology practice is Medicaid/Medicare and now it was evaporating faster than I could say "the mortgage is due".  I found myself agitated, depressed, and most of all, fearful.  Fear is not an emotion I tolerate well and often forces me into quick, impulsive and sometimes, irrational decisions.  I don't think that I am alone in my reaction to fear.  I've seen people do some pretty ill-advised things in an effort to bring their fear and anxiety under control.

After several days the fear and anxiety began to take its toll on me.  I could feel it in every part of my body and I wasn't sleeping well.  The question of the day in my house was "Dad, are you stressed?"  Obviously my attempts to conceal my concerns were failing and the question alone brought out my inner agitation and irritability with life.

Then one day this week I'm driving to work, feeling all the weight of the situation, and trying to have some semblance of a prayer.  Thoughts raced through my mind like a runaway freight train.  Conversations with colleagues only served to elevate my anxiety and frustration further.  Think about it.  Loosing almost a third of your income overnight and at the same time having a tax increase.  Shouldn't one's fear be aroused?

In the natural, the answer is yes.  But then, I wrote the book about this stuff.  I said we live in different economy.  And all of sudden I'm not fighting the system any longer, I'm having a full blown crisis.  It was a Crisis of Faith!  Do I believe in Washington's ability to fix things thereby making me feel better or do I believe in a benevolent God who will take care of me and my family regardless of circumstances thereby having a peace that transcends all understanding?
In that moment I asked myself a simple question:  why do I want to let Washington politics, Medicaid/Medicare or any other earthly agent determine what kind of day I will have?  I mean, why would I want to sell my mood to a system that is about as stable as running water?  I was reminded of Pillar 1 and that it is “God who gives me the ability to generate wealth”.  I remembered that the chapter title alone"Our Source”, challenges us to look beyond governmental provision and towards a loving God who has a better idea.  I had to make a choice: who is my source?  My crisis of faith had to be resolved.  I found myself apologizing to God for stability in unstable things and reaffirming my faith in His goodness and care for me.  Before too much longer a peace flooded my soul and fear was now replaced with confidence.  It was the first time in weeks that I had been able to relax and laugh.

When people ask me what 12 Pillars and a Prayer is about, I usually give a short answer that its about money.  But that's the short answer.  The longer answer is that it is a book about thinking about money.  It is a set of principles that form a foundation to living above all the madness that the current economic climate imposes on us.  Pillar 1 reminds us that there is another economic system operating.  It is one defined by a higher purpose and principle.  One that begins with a different source and if we'll begin with placing our faith in that source, we'll be ruled by peace and confidence rather than fear and uncertainty.  As a psychologist I can say with complete conviction that its difficult, if not impossible, to make quality decisions out of mental processes ruled by fear and uncertainty.  When God told Joshua that it was time to go into the promised land he had to say 6 times "fear not".  It was His way reminding Joshua of his source.  He is still reminding us today, the question is, will we believe?  Until we talk again...walk in freedom!